Embracing the Suck, Dealing with it, and Moving On.

Life sucks. Sometimes. Depending on who you are and what you are going through. My life as of right now is ok. Not great but ok and it could always be worse. I beleive in embracing the suck and moving on and not the suck that is life sometime defeat you and what you are in this world. Yes it is easier said than done by far but what else can you do? Wallow in misery,become a total and complete dick to those around you? Forgetting your dreams and desires or throwing away morales and values all because well life sucks? You have to embrace it, and you have to deal with it or it will defeat you and you cant let that happen. Dealing with the suck only makes you stronger, makes you a survior and allows you to see the forest for the trees, the beauty that is life and makes us rethink what you really truly want out of life. My best friend of 15 years is no longer speaking to me over the dumbest bullshit issue there is known to man. She was a lousy friend at times well 50% of the time yet i miss her like crazy she took all  our friends with her and now im left with no one. My daddy who i love very much has cancer and im terrified that he is going to be gone soon. This really sucks. Nevertheless im embracing it and dealing with  it becausse i know i have to move on and eventually everything will be ok. I have to deal with the fact that my friend is gone and never really gave a fuck about me. I have to deal with the fact my father will be dead soon and  I will no longer hear him scream "sweetbaby!" when he calls my voicemail. I use to let things fester inside of me, meaning i didnt deal with my hurt,my anger,my pain. I just ingored it willing it to go away thinking that if i acknowlged it i was a weak fool. I was made of stronger stuff than that! It didnt work and i was a bitter,jealous,distrustful person. I dont want to be that way ever again. I dont want to hide away from my issuses i need to embrace what i am going through. There are peole out there who go through far,far worse things than what i am going through right now. Rape,divorce. murder,war,death,extreme poverty. Yet they embrace and deal with these woes and come out on top. They yell,scream, drink, cry whatever but they are the stronger for it and i admire them. Im not saying hug and kiss the suck and embrace it like a fucking puppy, just dont run away from it or lash out at others who are trying to be there for you during your time of suck and to handle your suck depending on what it is like an adult.  Whatever doesnt kill us does make us stronger. When my daddy leaves me and i know he will sooner than later im going to cry like a baby and want to drink till I puke and want to die right along with him.But i cant. I have to stay on this earth and deal with what god  has so freely giving to me. Life. And my dads death is not gong to be the end of the suck, there will be more to come. Much more! I can either embrace it and deal and move on or i can stick my head in the sand, become a total and complete asshole, and push away those who have had my back for years  with my fucked up behaivor.

Dear Alex

Dear Alex,


                     I miss you so much and so want to talk to and wish we hadnt had that stupid fight. There is so much I want to say to you but I cant because we are no longer speaking. You so hurt my feelings with that stupid email from facebook and last text message that i just gave up. Again. I cant believe after all we have been through last year with us together in Italy and me being there for you when you got back dropping everything for you when you called. For you to just end our friendship like that over a stupid Spa date that i didnt even keep and then to delete me off of your facebook page the email you sent and to have Brad and Jason both ask me about money that for months you didnt even care about was to much. I cant believe you would do this to me. I cant believe you would do this to a person who loves you the most who put you ahead of my family, you were my family for years and you so hurt me that i just couldnt believe it. I would never do anything like that  to you ever. And you do this when my dad is sick? I would never leave you when something so awful was going on in your life i was there for everything you went through last year and you drop me like i was nothing and replace me so easily with someone else someone you met online. I cant believe how replaceble I am for you and it hurts so much, so very very much that you truly dont give a fuck about me and probaly never really have you and Brad and i dont understand. I cant replace you with anyone not Toni Lucy Yudelka no one. And I cant seem to move on with my life or my feelings knowing that all we shared meant nothing to you at all. It sucks. But despite how much it sucks how much i miss you and want to be with you so much i know it is for the best and have known that for years that our friendship is over and has been over for a very long time and no amount of loving you and caring for is going to change who you are i finally realize that. I gave all my love and affection and loyalty to the wrong  person when i should have loved myself more and family my sisters included and my nieces. I miss you, i will always love you and so wish that things were different that you would love me the way i so wish you  would or anybody could, love me but you cant and i kept hoping and praying that would but you never will, you have proven that time and time again and this past January proved that. My sister called a few months back and said now she understands that she is an option in my life and i never have to speak to her again. It really hurt and bother me that she said that, that i made her feel that for it was never my intention but it is the truth. I realize that i am that for you an option that you can take or leave me and that is the worst feeling in the world.  I will never make anyone feel like that again and wll never let you do that to me again i realize now that i must make peace with those who deserev it truly! Instead of trying with those that can replace me in a month. I love you and miss you, know i can never replace you but know deep in my heart no matter how badly i want to be with you it is better this way because you will never truly love me the way i need you too the way i love you and im so sorry for it and so wish you could. You are my soul mate, my best friend forever and for always and i will love you for always.But i need to start loving me and those around me more than  you if im ever going to me happy in my life.


                  

Alone

I never realized until now how utterly lonely i am. The feelings were always there i just choose to ignore them and pretend that they didn't exist. I didn't want to be one of those people let alone one of those women that was or is depending on someone or a sea of someones for my happiness. But as strong as i say and think i am I'm really not and i have always known this about myself but have fought the realization but no longer can. I am utterly alone in this world and I hate it. I really do. Sometimes and those times are coming more and more frequent I feel the world closing in on me and feel like I'm drowning, that time is running out and if I don't do something to change or fix.....whatever that this is how I'm going to be and feel for a very long time and lord knows I don't want that. I don't have anyone I can call my own no best friend no boyfriend or potential lover not even a sibling I can go to its just me and only me. It scares me that this is what my life has become to have no one absolutely no one I can call my own or not to have anyone want to call me their very own to never ever have a man other than my Father tell me that he loves me and mean it. I don't know what to do. I'm a surivor, i have delt with and withstood a many of test that God has given me and lost more people that I have loved and who have claimed to love me that I lost count. Yes some of it is my fault and I take full responsilblty but i hate that fact that i always go crawling back to the same people over over and over hoping this next time will be different but it never is hoping that maybe they might come crawling back to me just once just one time but they never do. They go on with their lives like i never existed like i didnt matter. And im always the one pining,miserable, and so lonely with no one to discuss my feelings with because everyone around me is gone. I hate feeling this way i feel weak and desparate starved for love and attention and i dont know how to obtain it. Im sick of relying on myself and sick of other people relying on me and throwing me away as if i meant nothing to them as if all i have done for the sake of love friendship is so underserving they would leave me over something trival. I dont know what to do. What can i do? What in Gods name can i do to make myself be lovebale what i can do to have someone to call my own? For someone to call me there own? For people who are supposed to love me stay with me and not love me, to treat me with respect and to cherish me. How do I get this? Other people have this and make it seem so easy to obtain how do they do it? And how long do i have to wait?