Alone

I never realized until now how utterly lonely i am. The feelings were always there i just choose to ignore them and pretend that they didn't exist. I didn't want to be one of those people let alone one of those women that was or is depending on someone or a sea of someones for my happiness. But as strong as i say and think i am I'm really not and i have always known this about myself but have fought the realization but no longer can. I am utterly alone in this world and I hate it. I really do. Sometimes and those times are coming more and more frequent I feel the world closing in on me and feel like I'm drowning, that time is running out and if I don't do something to change or fix.....whatever that this is how I'm going to be and feel for a very long time and lord knows I don't want that. I don't have anyone I can call my own no best friend no boyfriend or potential lover not even a sibling I can go to its just me and only me. It scares me that this is what my life has become to have no one absolutely no one I can call my own or not to have anyone want to call me their very own to never ever have a man other than my Father tell me that he loves me and mean it. I don't know what to do. I'm a surivor, i have delt with and withstood a many of test that God has given me and lost more people that I have loved and who have claimed to love me that I lost count. Yes some of it is my fault and I take full responsilblty but i hate that fact that i always go crawling back to the same people over over and over hoping this next time will be different but it never is hoping that maybe they might come crawling back to me just once just one time but they never do. They go on with their lives like i never existed like i didnt matter. And im always the one pining,miserable, and so lonely with no one to discuss my feelings with because everyone around me is gone. I hate feeling this way i feel weak and desparate starved for love and attention and i dont know how to obtain it. Im sick of relying on myself and sick of other people relying on me and throwing me away as if i meant nothing to them as if all i have done for the sake of love friendship is so underserving they would leave me over something trival. I dont know what to do. What can i do? What in Gods name can i do to make myself be lovebale what i can do to have someone to call my own? For someone to call me there own? For people who are supposed to love me stay with me and not love me, to treat me with respect and to cherish me. How do I get this? Other people have this and make it seem so easy to obtain how do they do it? And how long do i have to wait?